Lifer Movies

Title: Super Task Force One (2013) Rating: 3/5 Genre: Action/Comedy Starring: Steve Rudzinski, Seth Gontkovic, Aleen Isley Director: Steve Rudzinski Duration: 69 mins Fifteen years after the government decommissions Super Task Force Six, a team of alien/monster/robot-fighting superheroes, it’s subliminal controller, Emperor Zagel, threatens the planet with the combined power of each of the six Task Force members. That is until one of the Force’s transformation devices falls into the unsuspecting hands of a mild-mannered writer, Jason, granting him superhuman strength, a large gun, and the onerous “task” of saving the world. Together with the help of both his girlfriend and Super Task Force superfan best friend, Jason must surmount harrowing odds in order to overthrow Emperor Zagel and thwart his evil plans. Employing some of its most dominant “tokusatsu” inspirations like Super Sentai and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers as a storytelling template, Super Task Force One is a fun,...

Title: Deatherman (2012) Rating: 1.5/5 Genre: Horror Starring: John Kasper, Dominique Capone, Mike Gavern Director: Bob Keller Duration: 55 mins Being a recognizable television personality, local weatherman Dalton Law faces his fair share nuisances, whether it be from dope dealers, hookers, resident barflies, or an arrogant anchorman. But one day, he is approached by an ambitious intern, Holly, with an appetite for meteorology. Doing the girl a favor, he meets up with her after work to discuss the subject; but one too many glasses of wine and his own arrogance proves to be the breaking point for Holly’s residual mental instability, leading to the weatherman’s brutal stabbing. Believing she got away with the crime, Holly takes the role of lead weatherperson. Though, as luck would have it, an acid rain reanimates the body of Dalton Law who is now on a rampage, targeting everyone who’s ever done him wrong. Now, who could’ve predicted that? Regarding this movie, I do believe I...

Title: Everyone Must Die! (2012) Rating: 2.5/5 Genre: Horror, Comedy Starring: Nick Lamantia, Nicole Beattie, Seth Gontkovic, Aleen Isley Director: Steve Rudzinski Duration: 71 mins The brother of a serial killer victim learns that his sister is only a small part of a vast wave of slasher murders sweeping across the country. Also in the middle of the relentless carnage are two stereotypical groups of inevitable casualties: the campers, featuring a white rapper named MC Pink, a hippie, a nerd, and a sourpuss; and the party-goers, made up of a jock, a rich girl, a preppy, a golfer, an egg fan, and other fun characters. No matter how hard the prey try to fight back, there appears to be no stopping the hooded executioner. Everyone. Must. Die. Everyone Must Die! starts where director Steve Rudzinski’s first film, Basic Slaughter (previously reviewed here), leaves off. Thankfully, EMD! is exponentially better in almost every department (editing, writing, photography, etc… all improv...

Title: Creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon (aka “Seepage!”) (2007) Rating: 2/5 Genre: Comedy, Horror, Sci-fi Starring: Andrew Vellenoweth, Tanith Fiedler, William DeCoff Director: Richard Griffin Duration: 86 mins “It Turns Rednecks Into Deadnecks” Out on “Hillbilly Lagoon,” when they’re not skinny dipping, a group of college students collect data from the water with their wheelchair-bound professor. One of the students gets bit by an unseen fish, but they decide to dismiss the whole ordeal (even though he’s slowly developing gills and webbed fingers!). Meanwhile, a group of hillbillies are being killed off by a giant half-man/half-fish creature in ways too horrible to imagine (beer can stabbing, anyone?). Eventually the fates of these two groups intertwine, some are not at all as they appear, and a diabolical evolutionary plot to turn the world’s population into fish-people is unveiled. But will our heroes be able to foil this evil scheme AND destroy the creature from the Hil...

Title: Sinful (2006) Rating: 2/5 Genre: Drama Starring: Misty Mundae, Erika Smith, Ronnie Kerr Director: Tony Marsiglia Duration: 73 mins Lilith has been dealt a rotten hand in life: a traumatic childhood, a horrible job, a husband who can’t get an erection, and an insatiable longing for a child she isn’t able to conceive. Next door to her lives the perfect couple, Aisha and Sam. They seem to have everything Lilith doesn’t: a healthy sex life, a positive outlook, and a baby on the way. Lilith seems to share a special, unexplainable connection with her neighbor; but when put into perspective, it is only an unwholesome jealousy that leads Lilith deeper and deeper into a self-created fantasy world that evokes underlying violent tendencies in her workplace and home. Sinful was helmed by independent filmmaker Tony Marsiglia who had previously made such softcore flicks such as Lust for Dracula, Sin Sisters, and Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde. These films also feature the acting tal...

Title: Charlie’s Death Wish (2005) Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Action Starring: Phoebe Dollar, Ron Jeremy, Randal Malone Director: Jeff Leroy After her sister was murdered by thugs in a jail cell, gun saleswoman Charlie (Phoebe Dollar) spends every waking moment investigating the culprits and plotting her violent revenge. What turns out behind her sister’s murder is a large criminal organization led by a drug lord (Randal Malone) that has Hollywood in the palm of his hand. Left to deal with all this mayhem is good cop Rosenberg (Ron Jeremy), who is sympathetic to Charlie’s vendetta but isn’t exactly crooked enough to allow her a pardon. If that wasn’t enough, an eccentric documentary filmmaker does his best to expose the corruption of the LAPD and the 2nd Amendment as he incidentally gets himself in the middle of what he dubs the “Deadly Dixie Chick Killer” murders. These characters and events all lead to nothing but action and carnage… and there can only be one winner. Before I star...

Title: Real Time - Siege at Lucas Street Market (2001) Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Thriller Starring: Brinke Stevens, Michael Cornelison, Larry Coven Director: Max Allan Collins Duration: 71 mins Consisting of raw security camera, police, amateur, and news footage Real Time tells the story of two small-time criminals, Frank and Bud, who hold up a convenience store. After accidentally killing a police officer who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, a would-be simple robbery turns into a full-blown hostage situation. The hostages include a mother and daughter, a businessman, a troubled teen girl, the store clerk, and a pregnant woman who seems to know more than she’s letting on. What follows is a “real time” account of the negotiations between the crooks and the police as well as the drama within the store. Real Time is a bit of an oddity. It is a movie not only made for the DVD market, but made specifically to take advantage of the DVD as an interactive medium. ...

Title: Burlesque Massacre (2011) Rating: 2/5 Genre: Horror, exploitation Starring: Crystal Swarovski, Timothy Whitfield, Olivia Bellafontaine Director: Timothy Whitfield Duration: 82 mins Burlesque dancer Crystal and her co-workers take a relaxing retreat to her brother John’s suburban home in Burbank, California to train for their upcoming burlesque tour. However, Johnny boy has a little trouble getting a long with his one-night-stands. Seems he likes killing them. On the bright side, this should work out perfectly with Crystal’s secret plan for murdering her fellow dancers. Add a little incestuous brother/sister action on the side and we’re looking at a pretty busy weekend for these siblings. But how long will it be before their malicious plot turns around and bites them in the asses? Let me just say that you’ll be subject to a lot of tassel-twirling and bathing rituals before that happens. Burlesque Massacre emerges from the current “grindhouse revival” wave that’s been sw...

Title: Ellie (1984) Rating: 2/5 Genre: Comedy, Exploitation Starring: Sheila Kennedy, Shelley Winters, Edward Albert Director: Peter Wittman Duration: 89 mins An invalid, backwoods farmer is a month into his marriage with Cora when she persuades him into making out a will (what’s the worst that can happen, right?). Well, the very next day they are out on a picnic with Cora’s three sons, her conspirator lover, and the farmer’s nubile, young daughter Ellie. While Ellie is being distracted by a motorcycle ride, Cora rolls the wheelchair-ridden farmer into the lake, drowns him, paints the whole thing as an accident, and collects on the will. However, sweet little Ellie is too smart for such an excuse. Abandoning her purity and innocence, she lures Cora’s sons one by one to their deaths with her luscious, tender body and playful giggles. With the local sheriff too love-stricken with Cora the gluttonous career widow to do his job properly, Cora and Ellie break out in a battle of wits...

Title: Slasher Hunter (2011) Rating: 3/5 Genre: Horror, Comedy Starring: Chad Phillips, Derek Rothermund, Ryan Sullivan Director: Steve Rudzinski Duration: 35 mins Four pals are planning to have a great weekend of sex and brews in an old cabin in the woods. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “this is the exact set up to every slasher movie from ‘79 to ‘99; this can’t end well.” Well our group of campers have thought of that, that’s why they brought sci-fi nerd Lee along for the ride who carries within him the so-called “survivor gene.” This special gene helps prevent him from being the unfortunate victim of any slasher maniacs that may be lurking about. Unfortunately this gene is also highly coveted by a group of the most dastardly slashers around: Frank, Larry, Jay, Charles, Pleatherface, and Puzzle (I didn’t say their names were very dastardly, did I?). It’s up to a renegade, federally-employed Slasher Hunter to thwart the slashers’ plan and save Lee and his friends before it’...

Title: Naked Massacre (aka Born for Hell) (1976) Rating: 3/5 Genre: Exploitation, Drama Starring: Mathieu Carriere Director: Denis Héroux Duration: 92 mins A man returning home from fighting in Vietnam is forced to make a stop in Belfast (apparently Belfast is in between Vietnam and the US). Not being able to secure a transport to the States, he bides his time by playing pinball in pubs, making friends with a Vietnamese man, and ordering one beast of a hooker, all while the religious conflict between the Catholics and the Protestants wages in the streets. Having so much free time on his hands, he recognizes more and more the deep hatred he has for women. Not being able to maintain his pleasantness any longer, he decides to make an unannounced appearance at a boarding house full of young nurses he passes by on his trips to the pub. Initially planning on robbing the nurses to afford a ship home, he takes the night to rape, humiliate, and murder the eight women that reside there. ...

Title: Cannibal Cheerleader Camp (2008) Rating: 2.5/5 Genre: Horror, Short Starring: Bridget Devlin Burke Director: Paul Busetti Duration: 18 mins Trailer I suppose a good way to introduce this short film is to quote the director: “I wanted this film to be… the scenes you fast forward to when you've got a VHS copy of "Slumber Party Massacre" and your mom is going to be home soon.” In a number of ways (both good and bad), the director’s output is accurate. CCC gives us 5 beautiful camp counselors and one killer who, for a very short time, occupy the same location. The scenes Mr. Busetti was referring to? A hot shower, an act of cannibalism, TWO lesbian scenes, and six murders. And short shorts. And tube socks. Busetti and producer Ian Albetski are two of the masterminds behind independent film production company Ten Sundays. This company was created to hone in on these filmmakers’ skills in such areas as writing, directing, editing, photography, and overall film...

Title: Die Säge des Todes (aka Bloody Moon) (1981) Rating: 2.5/5 Genre: Horror Starring: Olivia Pascal, Nadja Gerganoff, Alexander Waechter Director: Jess Franco Duration: 81 minutes Country: (West) Germany Five years after he murdered a young girl at a party, incestuous and deformed Miguel is released to his sister, Manuela, and his paranoid contessa aunt in time for their opening of a new boarding school for foreign language. With the school soon populated by nubile young adults, a series of brutal murders are coincidentally breaking out on and off campus. But who could be the killer? The not-so-rehabilitated Miguel? The voyeuristic retard? The ladies man Antonio? Manuela, who is openly despised by her aunt? Or could this all be in the imagination of student Angela? Die Säge des Todes (The Saw of Death) is a film by the Spanish master of sleazy erotica and zoom lenses, Jess Franco, made to cash in on the American slasher movie craze that was exploding during this part of t...