Lifer Movies

Title: Andromeda Strain (remake) Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Sci-fi, Drama, Thriller Starring: Benjamin Bratt, Daniel Dae-Kim, Eric McCormack Director: Ridley Scott, Tony Scott A review I wasn't gonna write until I realised just how slow work was going to be; whether you want to call this a film or a mini-series is up to you. Certainly there are budgetary concerns with many of those involved more used to TV work over feature films, and the expected midpoint cliffhanger, but at just under 3 hours long, happily works as a long film. And it's not slow and drawn out like you may expect from a long film, rather it takes inspiration from the original, as well as the Michael Crichton book and tries to do them both justice in terms of tone and atmosphere, also taking liberties with the original story (a sure fire way to disgruntle many a fan of the original), asking questions around the subject and this mysterious disease and then consequently answering them (for better or for worse), ...

Title: Nightmare on Elm Street (remake) Rating: 1.5/5 Genre: Horror Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara, Kyle Gallner Director: Samuel Bayer Ah glorious is the day I discover we get all the movie channels at work, and still this is the best I can come up with; a remake of a film that, if I'm honest, I was never too enamoured with though I wont deny its position as a quintessential slasher flick that went a long way to defining the genre. Just one of a number of horror films that have been revisited by Hollywood in recent years, it's not an idea i've ever enjoyed much, just proving the lack of cinematic ideas and the drive for a cash in, making a film they know at worst will make its money back due to sheer morbid curiousity as to how badly they'll screw up this time. The premise for those who don't remember it is simple; the mass murderer Freddy Kroeger already met his grizzly fate, but even in death manages to find his revenge on all those who wronged ...

Title: The Descent Part Two Rating: 2/5 Genre: Horror Starring: Shauna McDonald, Michael Reynolds, Jessika Williams Director: Jon Harris Despite my usual apparent dislike for many mainstream efforts, the first part of this saga proved itself to be well thought out, and whilst being a shade predictable, never quite pandered to cliché. Quite impressive considering it was a film about women - none of who get their tits out - trying to escape a cave with what can only be called 'rock monsters' on their tail. Perhaps it was that they seem to have made something good out of what looked like a worrying premise that kept me away from this film. Perhaps it was the dreaded sequel syndrome. I honestly can't remember, but picking up where the last one left off, it certainly does feel like... well a sequel, with all the usual problems. When our sole survivor emerges, she quickly finds herself in a hospital bed being treated for her relatively minor wounds; traumatised by her or...

Title: 2012 Rating: 1.5/5 Genre: Apocalyptic Action Adventure Starring: John Cusack, Thandie Newton, Woody Harrelson, Danny Glover, Chiwetel Eijerfor Director: Roland Emmerich Lets for the sake of argument ignore that the entire initial premise of this is pretty much a load of bollocks; that the Mayans predicted the end of anything except their calender (though that was only one throwaway line admittedly) or that the sun will ever randomly decide to start firing mutated neutrino's - whatever the hell they meant by that - that act like microwaves but only to the earths core, and not the surface. Lets gloss over this plot that a remedial high schooler could pick apart and move right on to all the other problems with this film that ought to be mentioned. It follows the story of a number of people; a limo driver for a Russian Billionnaire - his daughter sporting an accent so bad it borders on the offensive - and their families, one of which who discovers the secret thanks to a...

Title: Sky High Rating: 2/5 Genre: Action, Horror Starring: Yumiko Shaku, Takao Osawa, Shôsuke Tanihara Director: Ryuhei Kitamura Language: Japanese Helmed by the man responsible for both 'Versus' and 'Azumi,' two of my favourite Japanese action flicks, I decided to save this one, sure that once again he would deliver the goods. But actually, far from being epic it's rather disappointing, and there's nobody else that can really take the blame for this one. Let me get on with describing the plot and perhaps you'll see what I mean. It all opens promising enough; a wedding between a young detective and his bride to be all goes tits up when she walks down the aisle with her heart removed. After much deliberating about 'how could such a thing happen' - though in the case of the doctor, literally how could she walk so far without a heart - we begin to learn of Kudo and his dark plan. Head of the largest pharmaceutical company in the world, this y...

Title: Doghouse Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Horror, Comedy Starring: Danny Dyer, Noel Clarke, Stephen Graham, Emily Booth Director: Jake West One of those films that once you'd heard about knew it was only a matter of time, from the man who gave us the hilarious low budget flick 'Evil Aliens' comes another tale so depraved and sordid you'd think it would be Japanese, if y'know, Danny Dyer wasn't in it. Instead it's gloriously British; a film following in the footsteps of '28 days later' and 'Shaun of the Dead' yet of a different breed once again, happily spoofing the genre and giving rise to plenty of puns at womens expense. It all kicks off with Vince and his messy divorce, down and depressed and so it's up to his mates to cheer him up, dragging him out on a lads weekend to a town in the middle of nowhere, where the women outnumber the men 4:1, but when they arrive they quickly realise somethings wrong, as these women have quite a litera...

Title: Frostbite Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Horror, Comedy Starring: Petra Nielsen, Grete Havnesköld, Carl-Åke Eriksson Director: Anders Banke Language: Swedish Is it like "30 Days of Night?" Or is it another "Twilight?" This is the sort of question that every vampire flick gets asked these days, and despite pre-dating them both, the closest answer is that it's actually a little bit of each. Vampires are probably the most common mythical creature employed by horror films, except perhaps zombies for the perceived lack of thought required to make a zombie flick (not if you dont want it to be shit dumbass!) because of the versatility they can represent. The mysterious entity living in the shadows, hiding from man but plaguing us without our knowledge. It's this that keeps vampire films alive and this that you'd think might have something to do with this films creation. But no, this is far too much fun for that. Set in the arctic northern wastelands of Swe...