Lifer Movies

Title: Deatherman (2012) Rating: 1.5/5 Genre: Horror Starring: John Kasper, Dominique Capone, Mike Gavern Director: Bob Keller Duration: 55 mins Being a recognizable television personality, local weatherman Dalton Law faces his fair share nuisances, whether it be from dope dealers, hookers, resident barflies, or an arrogant anchorman. But one day, he is approached by an ambitious intern, Holly, with an appetite for meteorology. Doing the girl a favor, he meets up with her after work to discuss the subject; but one too many glasses of wine and his own arrogance proves to be the breaking point for Holly’s residual mental instability, leading to the weatherman’s brutal stabbing. Believing she got away with the crime, Holly takes the role of lead weatherperson. Though, as luck would have it, an acid rain reanimates the body of Dalton Law who is now on a rampage, targeting everyone who’s ever done him wrong. Now, who could’ve predicted that? Regarding this movie, I do believe I...

Title: Melancholia Rating: 2.5/5 Genre: Sci-Fi, Drama Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Kiefer Sutherland Director: Lars von Trier Lars Von Trier has long struck me as one of the few remaining directors who manages to push the boundaries of modern cinema, willing to try new things and experiment, and in the process has created some of the most fascinating modern pieces that I can recall. The shocking thing is just how long it took me to watch this, and just how long I spent trying to justify what I'd seen. There's no two ways about it, Melancholia in indeed a horrifically depressing film; starring a wedding gone sour at the hands of the severely depressed and lacking in a certain degree of sanity, Justine (Dunst). Daughter to a woman who seems to enjoy insulting her and an uncaring womaniser, after failing to get any real help in dealing with her uncertainties at the recent ceremony, her apathy soon becomes apparent as she struggles to maintain her façade. So...

Title: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Adventure, Horror Starring: Jorma Tommila, Peeter Jakobi, Onni Tommila Director: Jalmari Helander Language: Finnish IT'S CHRISTMAS! Well, actually no it's not. Come to think of it, if you are even remotely in the 'Christmas spirit' two and a half months before the actual date you should stop it, right now. It's not even fucking close to Christmas; it's not even been Halloween yet, so get your god damn priorities straight. That said, there is nothing at all wrong with a little bit of preparation, particularly where films are concerned else you'll be stuck watching the same shit they put on every year; "Home Alone," "The Goonies" (which I do love, but enough is enough), "Elf," "Santa Clause" and god knows what else that for some reason they feel needs to played every god damn year despite often sucking the first time. The age old combination of "Die H...

Title: The Human Centipede Rating: 3/5 Genre: Horror Starring:Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie Director: Tom Six Once again tonight I find myself surprised by what I've uncovered; certainly not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination but sufficient in every department to keep me satisfied. Bloodshed? Of course, he's sewing peoples mouths to their assholes, though still not as much as your average surgery documentary. Largely he likes to leave the worst to your imagination. Nudity? Oh yes, though it probably takes a mind as twisted as my own to spend much time admiring the naked flesh, and I must admit, even I didn't exactly find it arousing. A shame they didn't fit some in pre-op but there we have it. And what of the plot? Well that really is the interesting thing, because a surprising amount of care appears to have gone into this films fabrication. That the director spent so much time doing his research into precisely how such an operati...

Title: Prometheus Rating: 4/5 Genre: Sci-Fi, Drama, Adventure Starring:Noomi Rapace, Logan Marshall-Green, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron Director: Ridley Scott Late to join the masses on this one, but isn't this unusual? For once I find myself not insulting a mainstream film that was well received but defending one that wasn't; a film that is layered with complexity despite it's two hour run time that requires you to pay attention so as to keep up. Events may seem to happen randomly but really, so much is occurring that you forget the subtle for the obvious, until of course the subtle becomes all that much more apparent. Looking around for opinions seem to reveal a number of supposed "plot-holes" that emerged either from a lack of attention being paid or mistaking simple unanswered questions as flaws. Truth be told, I found very few plot points that I couldn't explain, and usually I can't stand them, though certainly there are questions left to...

Title: Everyone Must Die! (2012) Rating: 2.5/5 Genre: Horror, Comedy Starring: Nick Lamantia, Nicole Beattie, Seth Gontkovic, Aleen Isley Director: Steve Rudzinski Duration: 71 mins The brother of a serial killer victim learns that his sister is only a small part of a vast wave of slasher murders sweeping across the country. Also in the middle of the relentless carnage are two stereotypical groups of inevitable casualties: the campers, featuring a white rapper named MC Pink, a hippie, a nerd, and a sourpuss; and the party-goers, made up of a jock, a rich girl, a preppy, a golfer, an egg fan, and other fun characters. No matter how hard the prey try to fight back, there appears to be no stopping the hooded executioner. Everyone. Must. Die. Everyone Must Die! starts where director Steve Rudzinski’s first film, Basic Slaughter (previously reviewed here), leaves off. Thankfully, EMD! is exponentially better in almost every department (editing, writing, photography, etc… all improv...

Title: Don't Go In The House Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Horror Starring: Dan Grimaldi, Charles Bonet and Bill Ricci  Director: Joseph Ellison From the depths of the cult classic archives comes this forgotten gem, only recently re-discovered and re-released as a DVD for the masses to remember just why it got labelled as a violent 'nasty' at the time. And considering that this would have first found an audience back in '79, I concede they may well have a point; taking strong influences from 'Psycho,' in particular the mad man with mother issues, hearing voices and acting out as a result, letting poor innocent women get caught in the crossfire. But Donny isn't your usual knife wielding psycho, his torture as a child was always being burnt, and with her out of the way it's his turn to be the master of the flame, burning away the sins of others. Conveniently, it just so happens that he specialises in incineration as a career choice and it isn't long befor...