Vahsi Kan (aka Turkish First Blood)


Title: Vahsi Kan
Also Known As: Turkish First Blood
Rating: 3.5/5
Genre: Action (Comedy)
Starring: Cüneyt Arkin
Director: Çetin Inanç
Language: Turkish

I'm probably grossly misrepresenting the state of the Turkish film industry with what is now my second Turkish film I've seen, starring the same batshit insane karate king – and fast becoming one of my favourite action stars – and the director who proved that in 'Turkish Star Wars' he didn't have any problems stealing entire plots, soundtracks and footage from other films if it helped him keep his budget down a bit. Well he's back again, and whilst he may not outright steal footage from other directors this time around, this film is known as 'Turkish First Blood' for damn good reason, lifting almost in its entirety the plot from the first Rambo film, right down to the tiniest detail. Even specific memorable lines have been pilfered for this unofficial re-make, cut down to a 70min run time but removing most of what actually explains the plot, I guess assuming everyone had seen the original anyway making actually explaining himself a little redundant.

But either way, that's not important. Nobody watched Rambo for the plot details, they watched it for the action, so let me tell you just how hardcore Turkish Rambo is. Turkish Rambo is so hardcore he'll kick you in the crotch as hard as he can and if he thinks he can get away with it, kick you again when your down for a laugh. TR is so hardcore he'll stand over you with his machete just long enough for you to realise how fucked you are before stabbing you in the face. TR is so hardcore he'll slice his own skin off, just 'cos he can. TR is so hardcore he spends his free time skewering animals and eating them raw, not because he can't make a fire, just because he's hardcore like that. TR is so hardcore that bullets and boulders that would make mincemeat of a mere mortal bounce off him like they never were there to begin with. TR is so hardcore that if you're hot, he might save you, but only if you bathe in front of him first and then agree to wear a skimpy bikini begging your boobs to bounce out. TR is so hardcore he'll kill a bunch of teens for their backpack of food because the fussy bitch on the brink of starvation still refuses to give up vegetarianism.

This is the kind of film that would make Stallone go on a real Rambo rampage if he ever was forced to sit down and watch it, such is the level of the shoddy acting. Nothing makes any sense, traps spring from nowhere and the editing is laughably bad. And this is precisely why you should want to watch this film; it's that kind of 'bad' film that also happens to be unbelievably hilarious to watch. The dodgy sound effects alone will elicit a few chuckles, the use of camera angles (one driving scene poignantly places a camera between the womans legs!) and the occasionally bizarre nonsensical plot (watch out for the zombies!) just put the icing on the cake. It may not be quite as batshit insane as Turkish Star Wars, but at just over an hour long, it's still ram packed with more belly laughs than any comedy I've seen. Having seen the original is mandatory, but if you satisfy that condition then there's no reason more people shouldn't bear witness to just how bad a film can be.

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