Lifer Movies

Titles: Filthy McNasty/Filthy McNastier: Maximum Douche/Filthy McNastiest: Apocalypse Fuck! (2002/05/05) Ratings: 2/5, 1/5, 2.5/5 Genre: Comedy Starring: Debbie Rochon, Tim Ekkibus, Jason McCall, Teen Ape Director: Chris Seaver Duration: 47/49/57 mins Since these three movies are essentially the same exact story, I've lumped them all together here. Chris Seaver, who also brought us Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! and Terror At Blood Fart Lake, brings us a trilogy so engulfed in its own bodily fluids, X-rated jokes, and kinky sex that, well, we can't look away. The first installment introduces Liz and Julie, two college nerds with zero sex-appeal who only want to be hot so they can be banged by all the popular guys. Goth fag Julian offers his magic to call upon the sex demon, Phil, and grant these two girls their wish, but at the cost of the lives of all they want to impress at the upcoming party. McNastier is pretty similar. Flat-chested Lori spends her days looking at nudi...

Title: Johnny Firecloud (1975) Rating: 4/5 Genre: Thriller, Drama Starring: Victor Mohica, Ralph Meeker, David Canary Director: William Allen Castleman Duration: 98 mins Enter Johnny Firecloud: an Indian who recently returned to his home town after 3 years in the Army. Unfortunately, his military service goes unrecognized by the trailer trash that populate his town. Especially Colby, a local bigwig who’d like to see his town Indian-free. After starting a fight at a bar and being caught with Colby’s daughter, Johnny is locked in jail. From his cell he witnesses Colby and his posse “accidentally” lynch his grandfather, the chief of the nearby reservation. Johnny manages to escape, but upon Colby’s men knowing of this, they brutally gang rape his sister. This becomes the last straw, setting Johnny hell-bent on bloody revenge. His fate rests in the hands of the town sheriff, who is being psychologically pulled in opposite ways by his sympathy for Johnny and his loyalty to Colby. ...

Title: Demented Death Farm Massacre (1972) Rating: 1.5/5 Genre: Drama, Thriller Starring: Ashley Brooks, George Ellis, John Carradine Directors: Fred Olen Ray, Donn Davison Four jewel thieves (a scholarly British man, a misogynistic stud, a Cher-a-like, and a bimbo girlfriend) high-tail it from a heist in NYC and end up breaking down in the sticks. They decide to lay low at a local backwoods whiskey still inhabited by Bible-spoutin’ Harlan Cravens, his buxom bumpkin wife Reba Sue, and handyman Tobe. It doesn’t take very long before the thieves overstay their welcome and butt heads with the man of the house. Jealousies and betrayal ensue, building up to a, well, massacre. Now, let me be up-front with my biggest peeve of the film: the marketing. I understand that when Troma Entertainment bought this film they also bought the rights to market it any way they want. But just take a look at the poster. Nothing in that appealing illustration is accurate, not one bit. There is no scyt...

Title: Blood Hook (1986) Rating: 3/5 Genre: Horror, Comedy Starring: Mark Jacobs, Anne Colbert, Don Winters Director: Jim Mallon Duration: 85 mins “Something’s very fishy…” A group of friends and a dysfunctional family travel to the American north woods for an annual fishing tournament at a pristine lake. Peter van Cleese and his buddies stay at his late grandfather’s lakeside house and meet some interesting yokels, including a grumpy neighbor, a redneck conspiracy theorist, and a fat fisherman finding ways to cheat in the tournament. But there is someone else taking part in this contest. Someone who’s fishing for humans! One by one people are being killed by giant fishhooks flung at them from out of nowhere. Without the help of the cops, Peter must find out who the killer is and stop him before his girlfriend ends up as fish bait. I have to admit that I was a bit surprised at how much I enjoyed Blood Hook. I was expecting some unfunny Naked Gun-type humor set around cliché...

Title: Meat Grinder Rating: 2.5/5 Genre: Splatter Horror Release Date: 2009 Language: Thai Firstly I apologising for the lack of details with regards to the director and actors within the film, but it would seem there is little information in this regard and this isn’t entirely surprising. It seems fairly odd that Thailand has become known amongst the ‘Asian Horror’ craze as the holders of the ghost story throne yet this recent release is without mention, perhaps not coincidentally in part due to the lack of any ghosts. In fact, this feels far more akin to a 80s style slasher film but not without a reasonable budget and a sense of intelligence to it – two things rarely seen in modern re-visits to this classic style. With the lead protagonist, a woman called ‘Bus,’ desperately trying to maintain her family’s coherency, feeding her child with little food or money whilst her husband spends all his earnings on his gambling addiction, it is only when he loses their home that he lea...

Title: Visitor Q Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Drama, Comedy Director: Takeshi Miike Language: Japanese With a lack of Miike on this blog already, it is perhaps unusual seeing as the man has consistently created excellent films in a variety of genres (and his works takes up the most notable chunk of my shelf of any director) and remains one of the most respectable artists of the medium. Almost a companion piece for ‘Happiness of the Katakuris’ and shot on just ~£60K, It is his continued fascination with the notion of family that is once more at play here in ‘Visitor Q,’ taking a dysfunctional situation and adding a mysterious character in their midst so as to solve their issues, but anyone aware of this director’s previous work will know that nothing is as simple as this would make it seem. Known for his gratuitous use of violence and bloodshed, Visitor Q proves to be a different style for him, instead focussing on sexual excess, systematically breaking taboo subjects from incest to necr...

Title: Julius Caesar (1953) Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Drama Starring: Marlon Brando, James Mason, John Guilgud Director: Joseph L. Mankiewicz Here we have one of the great "Shakespeare's" greatest plays put into screen. While neither the first version to be filmed nor the last, I do believe it's the best. With a great ensemble to give life to a great text, and a competent director to it, this was a good experience to watch. The film is a good adaption of the play depicting the planning "Caesar's" assassination by the conspirators, the deed, and the aftermath. It didn't turn to a film studied in academics by copying the play word for word nor did it obscenely omit many parts of the play to suit the film's motives. What wasn't showed didn't ruin the work and what was gave it a good rendition. I especially enjoyed how "Mankiewicz" tried to focus mainly on the psychological and emotional struggles of the characters, thus giving li...

Title: Elephant Rating: 4.5/5 Genre: Drama Starring: Alex Frost, Eric Deulen, John Robinson Director: Gus Van Sant While high school shootings isn't new in film, and a film inspired by the "Columbine Massacre" might not seem to add anything new to the list, I believe that "Gus Van Sant" brought us the best film on such a subject. As writer and director, he didn't try to psychologically analyze the characters, especially those of the two killers, nor did he try providing explanations while theorizing about what might have cause such a massacre. He didn't present us with a glamorous display of violence nor did he fall to the Hollywood clichés regarding such subject. He didn't try to pick apart the tragedy, nor did he to improvise while presenting it. What he did was present us with a day in a high school, showing glimpses of the characters lives as the day pass. No over-killing was made. We see the handsome jock with his girlfriend, the nerd l...

Title: Extract Rating: 3/5 Genre: Comedy Starring: Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Kristen Wiig, Ben Affleck Director: Mike Judge Mike Judge is always one director who I will make exception for, disproving the tired cliché of the same character driven comedy that has plagued us in recent times, filled with moronic slapstick jokes performed by moronic characters and with a film that looks set to rediscover the success of the cult classic ‘Office Space,’ I was fairly excited by what else he could bring to the table. Sadly, his main directorial departure with this film seems to have been for the very same slapstick comedy that through overuse has earned my derision. With Joel (Bateman) at the centre of the story, he is torn between his company – producing ‘Reynolds Extract’ – and his sexual frustration of his unsatisfying marriage to Suzie (Wiig). Contending with idiotic co-workers whilst desperately struggling to sell his company in order to find the time to reaffirm his marriage, hi...

Title: Nang Nak Rating: 4.5/5 Genre: Horror, Romance Starring: Intira Jaroenpura, Winai Kraibutr Director: Nonzee Nimibutr Language: Thai I did warn that I would be returning to Thai horror before too long, and whilst this doesn’t strictly fit, combining horror with a strong romantic element, it nonetheless feels appropriate to restart my exploration here for reputedly one of the key films in starting the Thai ghost film phenomenon. Originally based on a Thai Legend (though it should be noted that the story is believed truthful rather than mythical), it is proceeding the events of the Chiang Toong War (read: ~1870) that Mak returns to his wife (Nak) and her recently born child, but all is not as it seems. The pleasant situation he observes an illusion created by his wife who died along with her stillborn child, wishing nothing more but to be with her husband. As people try to warn him, he responds with disbelief whilst the infuriated spirit of Nak fights to prevent him from dis...

Title: Count Yorga, Vampire (1970) Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Horror Starring: Robert Quarry, Roger Perry, Judy Lang Director: Bob Kelljan Duration: 93 mins Of all the numerous vampire movies made over the last 100 years, there are but a few truly recognizable blood-suckers. Nosferatu, or Count Orlok, is one of them. Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee as Count Dracula are two others, and the most classic. Barnabas Collins of the TV series Dark Shadows is a third. But one of the most overlooked vampires in filmland is Count Yorga, played by a charismatic Robert Quarry. During the height of Hammer Studios’ popularity, Count Yorga, Vampire served as an American alternative that more than gave Dracula a run for his money. A young woman holds a séance party at her house to contact her recently deceased mother. The medium chose to perform the séance is her late mother’s boyfriend, Count Yorga. Yorga secretly hypnotizes Donna after the séance is declared a success, and then is taken home by ...

Title: Coming Soon Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Horror, Thriller Starring: Chantavit Dhanasevi Director: Sopon Sukdapisit Language: Thai Whenever horror films from Asia crop up in conversation it always seems to be either the Japanese (renowned for being willing to push the boundaries of convention) or the South Koreans (producing fewer films, but often constructed with a larger budget more comparable to the product of mainland Europe) that seem to get mentioned, but the Thai have been developing their little niche as well. With the rise in what is now capable on smaller budgets, a greater emphasis is being placed on using the effects effectively than merely using them in excess allowing this small nation to make claim as to the title of king of ghost stories. Opening with one of the most ‘bludgeoningly’ brilliant openings for a horror film in recent memory, ten minutes of horror bliss that sets the bar impossibly high for the remainder of the film; the preview showing of the film ‘T...

Title: Raptor Island Rating: 1.5/5 Genre: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi (Comedy) Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Steven Bauer, Hayley DuMond Director: Stanley Isaacs This is technically the best film I’ve seen all year (being the first), and yet one of the worst I’ve seen in my life. Even calling it 'craptor island' feels as though too much effort has gone in to insulting it and I’m going to have to be very careful in dictating just how awful this film is as I’m struggling to thing of a single aspect with any merit, and yet, this is actually what makes this film enjoyable. Yes, there are more plot holes than plot, even ignoring the ludicrous ‘explanations’ proffered throughout and I’m sure most will have seen a finer lesson in acting from a primary school play but just when you think things couldn’t become any worse, this film proves you wrong once again. Allow me to run you through the opening moments; we see an American in uniform giving a speech to other uniformed men, no name...