Lifer Movies

Title:Hanna Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Action, Thriller, Mystery Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett, Eric Bana Director: Joe Wright Welcome to one of possibly the only mini reviews i'll write. Why mini you ask? Cos i'm on a motherfuckin' plane! No snakes though. Just grumpy turks. Probably for the best... And so even on my voyages abroad I cant help but be tantalised by this flick on the flight menu - you can take the reviewer away from his pc but you can't the...euhm, I guess I didn't think that one through, but you get the idea - that I have intended to watch for a long time but never got the chance. You see, this ain't our standard popcorn action flick or predictable thriller (ok, its a little predictable) but a tale of a young girl and her voyages into the world of assassins. But before you get all 'leon' on me, hanna ain't quite done that way around. This isn't a girl entering the world of assassins as much as it is an assassin told ...

Title: Space Truckers Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Sci-Fi, Adventure, Comedy Starring: Dennis Hopper (Waterworld, Apocalypse Now), Stephen Dorff (Blade, Felon), Debi Mazar Director: Stuart Gordon “I emit a low amp electrical wang pulse, designed to drive women wild” I'm sure everyone has some similar story to this, for this film has in a sense been on my 'to watch' list longer than any other. For some reason one of my memories as a young child involve this film, and more specifically not being able to watch it; my plucky young eight year old self spotting it in the video rental store and showing it to my father, grinning ear to ear only to hear those fateful words. “You're mother would kill me if I let you watch that.” Which on reflection is a little odd, seeing as I'd already skipped my Disney phase and moved onto classics such as “Die Hard” and “The Terminator,” and this is far more family friendly than a film about robots that take over the world. Hell, this i...

Title: Hot Blood Sundae Also Known As: Ice Scream: The ReMix Rating: 2/5 Genre: Exploitation Horror/Comedy Starring: Bobbi Billard, Akira Lane, Gelusa Zaripova Director: John Darbonne "I got the best broads; boobs... one on each side..." “What sells better than sex,” the businessman utters, speaking the mind of the director responsible for delivering this cheap, low-budget schlock excuse for a horror film. It's evident from the very premise that you should expect this to be something of a theme, though I should warn you that it goes far beyond simply being an aspect of the plot; it's the main driving force for most of what is actually shot on film. For Ricky – our shop owner with daddy issues – is striving to make his ice cream venture a success when suddenly the idea hits him: sex. Taking his crew of buxom young beauties – actually just aspiring porn stars I believe – he delivers them their new uniforms to exploit their voluptuous curves. “But my boobs won...

Title: The Breed (2001) Rating: 3.5/5 Genre: Action, Crime, Mystery Starring: Adrian Paul, Bokeem Woodbine, Bai Ling Director: Michael Oblowitz Ah the old classic crime format, taking two new cops with different attitudes to the job and slamming them together to watch the consequences as they hunt for the bad guy. Sometimes it ends up (trying to be) comical as in “Rush Hour,” and sometimes it ends up a cheese filled action classic like “Lethal Weapon.” Even rarer are the times it'll touch upon something great such as of “Se7en” or to a lesser extent “Training Day.” But this is a b-movie, so it will clearly need a far more obvious twist; here we have the big black arrogant cop partnered with the placid, cold and calculating officer, chalk and cheese, playing off one another and contrasting as the events unfold, their overt differences helping create the illusion that there are more detailed characters on display than there actually are. Oh, and the straight man also happens t...

Title: Hyenas Rating: 2/5 Genre: Horror Starring: Christa Campbell, Rudolf Martin, Costas Mandylor Director: Eric Weston You've heard of werewolves and probably seen at least a few of the sub-genre of horror films, but this is one that decides to give it a twist; were-hyenas. Cackling laughing men and women who transform into bloodthirsty beasts leaving behind no trace of their victims, operating from the shadows of a forest in the middle of nowhere, hiding from their prey; a clan of manipulative maniacal beasts with no remorse, hunting down their food like the rabid animals they are, using anything they have at their disposal to give them the upper hand. Which in the case of women can involve making men go “ooh tits” and... eh you get the picture. Actually, come think of it it's not really much of a twist at all, taking the pack mentality illustrated in 'The Lost Boys' and simply replacing the stock footage and groundwork laid out for them in numerous other bad ...