Splatter Beach


Title: Splatter Beach
Rating: 2/5
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Starring: Erin Brown, Erika Smith, Dave Fife
Directors: Mark Polonia, John Polonia
Duration: 70 mins

Flash forward 20 years, dudes. The Polonia brothers finally follow up their disturbing 1987 cult classic with... a comedy. Ok, so perhaps it's still too early for this z-movie duo to come full circle. Splatter Beach is less of a follow-up as it is a homage to beach films of the 1960's, such as Beach Party, Beach Blanket Bingo, Horror of Party Beach, and Creature from the Haunted Sea.

Nerdy journalist Rupert tags along with wigger friend, Rodney, and his nympho girlfriend, Tanya, on a beach vacation. In this case, "beach" is defined as the waterfront of Lake Erie. While Rodney and Tanya are busy gettin' busy, Rupert is on a quest to interview locals and prove his theory that lake monsters are the cause of the mysterious disappearances in the area. He teams up with a local girl, Tess, to find these creatures and warn everyone about them before it's too late. That is, if the happenin' party-goers and the smart-ass, Hercules enthusiast weight-lifter don't stand in their way.

It's easy to see that the Polonia brothers have mastered their craft in the previous 20 years. The picture is slicker, the story is more developed, and actors are actually present. The super cute Erin Brown (better known as softcore starlet Misty Mundae) does a nice job as Tess, one of her only fully clothed roles. The same can't be said for the rest of the cast, but they all seem to be having a blast being in this movie (it's not a very serious one, in case you didn't know by now). Doing cinematography is the legendary cult filmmaker and special effects wizard Brett Piper (The Screaming Dead, Shock-O-Rama). The soundtrack is upbeat and fairly entertaining, featuring the hilarious Beach Boys parody "Surfin Cadaver" by fellow SOV auteur Jon McBride.

There is a few downsides to all the above. As implied before, the acting is pretty terrible. All the characters are stereotypes, and the acting that goes along with it just exaggerates them. The action is poorly done and not very exciting. The monster suits are silly, but intentionally silly. The blood is scarce and poorly done. And the T&A? No complaints there, brah. The story is pretty typical of your average monster movie, and the pace is pretty fast.

A complete contrast to Splatter Farm, Splatter Beach is a fun little quickie with goofy characters and a good, Halloween spirit behind it. Nothing to shout about, but nothing to rag about either. Hang ten!

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