Suburban Sasquatch

Title: Suburban Sasquatch (2004)
Rating: 1/5
Genre: Horror
Starring: Bill Ushler, Sue Lynn Sanchez, Dave Bonavita
Director: Dave Wascavage
Duration: 100 mins
Trailer

I suppose I should just get right into this one…

Suburban Nature Park is a Northeastern wooded recreational area that is located near a new housing development. It is also the location of mayhem and bloodlust courtesy of the legendary Sasquatch. Talla, a young Native American woman, is sent on a quest to kill the creature by her wise grandfather. Rick, a dorky investigative journalist, is pursuing the story behind the local murders. John, the local sheriff, doesn’t want Rick to reveal what’s been going on in this area to the public, but he may just know more about the beast than he is letting on. While John hunts down Sasquatch in his own fashion, Rick and Talla join forces, but not goals, and must learn to cooperate in order to destroy the magical monster.

Maybe I should become a journalist myself. Sometimes I make things sound so good. But in reality, folks, Suburban Sasquatch is the hokiest no-budget creature feature I have seen to date. The title brute is simply a dude in a modified gorilla costume and must be the least menacing fiend to grace the direct-to-DVD market. His attacks on the various townspeople are so comical and uncoordinated that they must be seen to be believed. And during these attacks we are treated to poorly recorded sound effects, rubber limbs likely bought at a Halloween store, and some of the worst CGI blood spray imaginable. And every attack starts with what will quickly become Bigfoot’s signature “brawawarawarawarrrrr” warcry. Hey, at least the bizarre nature of it all makes it easily entertaining, otherwise I wouldn’t have wasted 100 minutes of my night on a bad movie.

I was going to claim that this flick was made by a bunch of friends that just wanted to shoot a movie, but none of the actors seem to be having any fun. The delivery of the dialog is incredibly deadpan and the rare emotional projection is often forced. I wouldn’t say most of the acting is bad, but more like absent altogether. We also have a whiny little bitch for the lead role of Rick. Maybe it was just written in the script that his character complains and stubbornly drags out arguments all the damn time, but he really gets no sympathy for the viewer. The character of Talla, on the other hand, is the real hero of the show. Some parts I just wanted her to dropkick that brat of a companion and wage war with the Sasquatch by herself, although that might be sacrificing the delicate and thought-provoking chemistry between the two. I guess the sarcasm can stop now.

Suburban Sasquatch has a much longer duration than it really deserves. However, I must admit that it did start to grow on me towards the 40 minute mark. After all, a disappearing/reappearing, woman-crazy, bitchslapping anthropoid can’t be all that torturous to watch. If anything, the movie provides the goods. I tallied up eleven Bigfoot attacks and nine “battle” scenes. The story doesn’t go long without some action to break up the dopey plot, as well as featuring a very, very hilarious vomit scene that probably contains the hammiest acting in the entire flick. A more legitimate reason why I stuck through the whole thing is that the direction is all in all pretty competent, given that this is Wascavage’s brainchild. So kudos to him.

I can’t say that I’d really recommend this to anyone who doesn’t know the kind of schlock they’d be getting into, but I will say that it’s not a total bust if anyone does decide to watch it. I suppose the Great Spirit did not want to allow the balance of Mother Earth to go on without a movie like Suburban Sasquatch.